Tuesday, February 12, 2013

Day 41 - Mock Mock Mocking on Heaven's Door

I've noticed, as of late, that certain other colors have crept into our lexicon as "holiday colors." I don't know if we should blame the craft stores or the makers of M&Ms (who, in my opinion, can do no wrong...except for those ill-conceived candy corn M&Ms from last year), but it's definitely a thing.  Halloween has now added purple to its orange and black motifs, and I've noticed brown joining the ranks in the Valentines decorations.  What's next...gray feeling left out of the Easter celebrations?

All of this is to say that I'll be wearing a purple sweater today.  I know that it's not exactly a Valentine's Day color, but at least it's in the same candy department.  And I've been avoiding this sweater family (more like an entire sweater colony) for, well, 40 days now, so it's time I took them on.

For those of you keeping score at home...first of all, why are you doing that? But anyway...here are the redundant details: the oh-so-not-on-trend sweaters are from (cue gasps of disbelief) The Limited, and carbon dating puts them at around 1998 (give or take a few years).  The tag claims that they are hand knit (Ha!), and they have a variety of fibers in them...none of which are cashmere.  I thought that I only had this sweater in a mere three colors, but I unearthed two more when I was rummaging through my parents' attic (some doors should not be opened).  And since I have similar sweaters in all of these colors (or would gladly purchase an upgraded version if the need arose), I came into this hoping for a rating somewhere between Charlie Sheen and Nick Nolte. I knew that this crime syndicate of mock turtlenecks needed to be stopped, if for no other reason,  than the sheer amount of space that they take up in the armoire.  Plus, I'm sick of their smug attitude.

He may be standing there coyly, but, make no mistake, this sweater
is not on your side.

Mocking me even from cyberspace...

Since I was going to a basketball game at Northwestern (and their colors are purple and white), I decided that this would be a great test for this mock turtleneck.  I would be watching the game most of the time, and there isn't a jumbotron in operation at the arena, so I would not be spotted with a neck that just can't go the extra mile and be a turtle...or a cowl...or even, worst case scenario...a funnel.  But when you think that way, be very careful about checking in on Facebook...lest you find that an old childhood friend is also at said game and wants to meet up with you at halftime. I decided that, per the rules of the blog, I had to "own" my look and I could not cover up this sweater with my coat.  And, as far as I can tell, nobody was pointing at my neckline in horror (probably because it was so busy mocking them) and my friend did not appear to be worried about my grip on reality...or at the very least, this century's fashions.  

I could try to look on the bright side of life here and say that it was warm, not very itchy, and was a reasonably good (albeit boxy) fit...but why bother.  Every time I open my closet, I see this sweater mafia on the shelf, practically daring me to wear them.  It's time a took a stand.  I will not be bullied by yesterday's sweaters...no matter how many of them there are in "the syndicate."  I will not be mocked by lambswool...even if said fiber comes in a lovely shade of orange.  I accept necks in all lifestyles and persuasions: crew, v, turtleneck, boat, and, heck, even a cowl on occasion...but I will not allow those that mock me or anybody that I know. It takes a brave person to banish an entire sweater family...but I may have finally found my inner medieval tyrant.

Am I the only one that thinks this is reminiscent of those old Benetton ads?

I know that I have nearly 60 days left of this blog, so tossing five sweaters out in one day might render me in a (quelle horreur) sweater vest come day 93, but, to be honest, I'm really pretty tired of this sweater.  It fit fine, kept me warm, but there was no spark there.  And the thought of wearing this sweater four more times...well, that's a fate I do not wish upon anyone (unless they are uber hipsters, in which case, have at it).

My rating: David Spade. There was a time when I found his snarky arrogance amusing--and that time was about 11:15 (CT) when he would do "The Hollywood Minute" on SNL. Back in those days, he came off as a 99 pound lightweight taking on the behemoths of showbiz, and we loved him for it.  He would no sooner begrudge us a mock turtleneck (or five) than would he fawn over a star's latest vanity project.  Flash forward a decade and a half, and now he mocks to an audience of zero (Oh, I'm sorry...you're a fan of Rules of Engagement?  Yeah, that's actually still on). His holier-than-thou attitude is unearned (I'll grant him Dickie Roberts: Former Child Star, but only because several members of The Brady Bunch and Leif Garrett appeared in it), and nothing about him has earned the amount of shelf space that these sweaters take up.  Mocking in the late 90s was fresh...mocking in 2013 is just sad.  Sorry, David...but your Hollywood Minute appears to be up.

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